| Women may fake orgasms, but men fake entire relationships. |
[Aug. 19th, 2006|11:33 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  verging on extreme depression | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Lots and lots of dark stuff. There's a list at the bottom | ] |
Beau and I broke up 2 days ago. Unfortunately for me I was informed last night by his Aunt Cindy that for a while now he's been cheating on me. What's worse is that it's not just one girl, but 2 girls and I seriously doubt they know of each other despite Beau's bragging to his friends and family. I trusted him. I loved him with all my heart. I have never done anything to harm him in any way.
Despite what some people may believe. I never cheated on Beau. I never tried to change him. I never stole from him or used him. The only thing I ever did was give to him. I gave him my money, trust, time, life, heart, love, my very soul. I loved him so greatly that I would have gladly given my life for him without a second thought if it meant sparing him pain. I have never so much as lied to him. I've been accused of even attempting to break up his friendships. I have only told him the truth about those who did he and I wrong. If he chose not to believe me then that was his choice. I wasn't about to try to keep him from them. I was just letting him know as was my responsibility as his girlfriend/fiance. The only time I ever complained is when I wanted just a bit of time alone with him or if I was completely ignored and abandoned. I was treated badly but I still loved him and tried my hardest to work things out with him. I was only upset when I was made painfully aware that he didn't express as much love and compassion for me as I did for him.
As for this latest disaster, I have 20 years of history with him. I have spent the last 6 years of my life at his side and I have lost 2 children to him. If he comes back I will still love though it will pains me even now. I may even be able to forgive even though his action are killing me. But I cannot trust him freely. If he should ever wish be at my side again then he must grow up and act like the adult he should have been so long ago. He will have to painstakingly earn my trust back. If I should continue to be scorned and our 20 years simply be thrown out for his desire of alcohol, drugs, and whores then I will be compensated for my 20 years. I will indeed insure that everything he has worked for he will get. I love him, but God help him for betraying me.
Your's truly,
Kandis
P.S. This stupid thing isn't showing my music. It's alot of AFI, Stone Sour, Rise Against, System of a Down, etc... Good lord this depression is driving me mad |
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| Silently Waiting |
[May. 17th, 2006|02:13 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  Misery truely is my muse | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "Oblivion" by Jeremy Soule | ] |
Will I always be here? I'm getting colder; waiting here alone. The warmth has fled. Life has turned her back and left me here. She said to me," You cannot stay here. No matter how hard you try you can never linger here. You must come with me and you haven't much time."
To which I replied," But can I please take him with me? I cannot bare to leave him behind?" Slowly she shook her head and reached for me. " Can I please stay just a little longer? Maybe he'll go with me."
She looked so sad. I thought she would weep. " My daughter he will not go with you. He has shunned me and in time he will be taken by my sister. Death is the one who awaits him now. You cannot bring him with you unless he desires to tread upon my path."
I pulled away. I wanted to scream in defiance. I wanted to weep. I wanted him.
" I cannot leave him mother. I love him. I will not leave his side."
She nodded although I saw the tears sliding down her cheeks. She turned to leave and I felt the warmth leave me. I felt my energy flowing freely from me. I was terrified.
She stopped and looked back at me for a moment. Her final words to me broke my heart and tear at my soul even now. Such foreboding words are these which I heard.
" You may never leave his side, but he has already left your's. You who would foresake me for his love...you are not even seen by him. He knows of you and comes to you only when he chooses, but he was never at your side. I hope for your sake that he does open his eyes, that the warmth does find him again, and that he will follow you back to me. My daughter I hope that you will find me again. I'm ... sorry"
Then she was gone. I'm still here, waiting for him. I am like a ghost. I am frozen and cold, yet I still have purpose. I stay at his side although most of the time he does not see me there. I protect him, I comfort him, I care for him, I make him smile.
I am the safest most loving place in the world for him. He has no difficulty finding me. It's when I try to move, when I try to guide him back to mother's path that he loses the way.
He still cannot open his eyes. The warmth still hasn't returned to him. He cannot see me, he cannot feel me. He cannot know, because he cannot sense it. He has lost his life and I left her to help him find her. If only he could see the path.
I'm so cold now. The warmth has fled and the path is faded. I can barely move.
Will I ever see her again?
Mother.....where are you? Your children have lost their way. |
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| Check them out |
[May. 11th, 2006|02:22 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  calm | ] |
| [ | music |
| | look down and tell me what you think? | ] |
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| the ones who listen, are the ones who need to be heard |
[May. 1st, 2006|09:39 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sad | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Give me a violin that sings. Let the tune be grief. | ] |
"You have lied to me. You have broken me again with but a single stroke. So effortless was your blow. It was done without a thought and in such a way as to cast doubt even upon itself as it fell. At the same moment I felt myself torn asunder I wondered if you truly meant to do this to me. Such ease without even an aknowledgement seems to keep me guessing. Yet I fall time and again. My tears are as plentifull as the rain and as deep as my sadness.
I wish I could truly know what you want. I would gladly give you anything. Am I any less of a person for wanting such a thing? Even if you do not love me, play this game with me. Use me as an instrument and play so I only hear the sweetest notes. Even if you only pretend, I will give you all of myself. Let my soul be your guiding light. Allow my body to protect you from all of the worlds woes. Take comfort in my heart beat. Find joy in my breathe. And should you call upon my life take courage in the blood I would spill for you. Rejoice in me. Please give me just a little time. Play this little game with me. Hold me till I feel as one with you. Whisper only the most lovely things to me. Make me feel loved. Take away this pain which you have given me.
With each passing moment I feel myself die a thousand fold deaths; each more tragic than the other. I feel hollow. It is more than mear emptiness. I feel as though I would swoon so great am I effected. I feel only this terrible anxiousness, this sadness, ..this grief. I feel hollow. Should a great wind blow I would surely be whisked away upon it's current. I have not the strength to fight back.
A river is born from my path. Each tear lends itself to the flowing waters of my despair.Upon it's banks no life is born. All is frozen. All is still. Not a whisper escapes. Not a rustle is to be heard.
Soon will come a flood and all will be swept away. All shall be tainted with my sorrow. The world, my world, shall end within a wail of depsair. My sobs will break the heart of all for so great is my sadness.
Please make me whole again. Take away my pain. Use me as an instrument and play so that I may only hear the sweetest notes. Love me till the end. Even if it's all pretend."
This is what my soul is screaming. This what my heart is feeling. |
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| University findings. Funny aren't they? :) |
[Apr. 26th, 2006|02:34 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  Damn good day | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "Miss Murder" by AFI | ] |
Satanists, apocalypse watchers and heavy metal guitarists may have to adjust their demonic numerology after a recently deciphered ancient biblical text revealed that 666 is not the fabled Number of the Beast after all.
A fragment from the oldest surviving copy of the New Testament, dating to the Third century, gives the more mundane 616 as the mark of the Antichrist.
Ellen Aitken, a professor of early Christian history at McGill University, said the discovery appears to spell the end of 666 as the devil's prime number.
"This is a very nice piece to find," Dr. Aitken said. "Scholars have argued for a long time over this, and it now seems that 616 was the original number of the beast."
The tiny fragment of 1,500-year-old papyrus is written in Greek, the original language of the New Testament, and contains a key passage from the Book of Revelation.
Where more conventional versions of the Bible give 666 as the "number of the beast," or the sign of the anti-Christ whose coming is predicted in the book's apocalyptic verses, the older version uses the Greek letters signifying 616.
"This is very early confirmation of that number, earlier than any other text we've found of that passage," Dr. Aitken said. "It's probably about 100 years before any other version."
The fragment was part of a hoard of previously illegible manuscripts discovered in an ancient garbage dump outside the Egyptian city of Oxyrhynchus. Although the papyrus was first excavated in 1895, it was badly discoloured and damaged. Classics scholars at Oxford University were only recently able to read it using new advanced imaging techniques.
Elijah Dann, a professor of philosophy and religion at the University of Toronto, said the new number is unlikely to make a dent in the popularity of 666.
"Otherwise, a lot of sermons would have to be changed and a lot of movies rewritten," he said with a laugh. "There's always someone with an active imagination who can put another interpretation on it.
"It just shows you that when you study something as cryptic and mystic as the Book of Revelation there's an almost unlimited number of interpretations."
The book is thought to have been written by the disciple John and according to the King James Bible, the traditional translation of the passage reads: "Let him that hath understanding count the number of the beast: for it is the number of a man; and his number is Six hundred threescore and six."
But Dr. Aitken said that translation was drawn from much later versions of the New Testament than the fragment found in Oxyrhynchus. "When we're talking about the early biblical texts, we're always talking about copies and they are copies made, at best, 150 to 200 years after [the original] was written," she said.
"They can have mistakes in the copying, changes for political or theological reasons ... it's like a detective story piecing it all together."
Dr. Aitken said, however, that scholars now believe the number in question has very little to do the devil. It was actually a complicated numerical riddle in Greek, meant to represent someone's name, she said.
"It's a number puzzle -- the majority opinion seems to be that it refers to [the Roman emperor] Nero."
Revelation was actually a thinly disguised political tract, with the names of those being criticized changed to numbers to protect the authors and early Christians from reprisals. "It's a very political document," Dr. Aitken said. "It's a critique of the politics and society of the Roman empire, but it's written in coded language and riddles." |
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| still here. |
[Apr. 1st, 2006|12:32 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  groggy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | you already know | ] |
...O.o.... Holy shit I just realized it was April 1st!
Fuck it I'm gonna call Beau and ask him out. Let's see what happens.
I hope I get food soon. Mmmm pudding sounds good.
{ I hope I get laid today. 2 months sucks without it}
Love you all,
Kandis |
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| "Those who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night." |
[Apr. 1st, 2006|12:12 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  Fucking stupid people! @$%# | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "Redemption" by Gackt | ] |
That quote is from Edgar Allen Poe btw. Fucking insomnia has hit me again. It's bad enough that I'm verging on starvation here. I'm getting to the point where I'm bumming food off my friends. It's really sad, but unfortunately there is no way to cook here. There is no stove or oven or even a toaster. The fridge's contents, I believe, are completely inedible or they are mere condiments. You can't live off 5 dozen eggs, 2 dozen biscuits, some mustard and coffee mate. It just doesn't work. Oh but there is an abundance of alcohol in this house. Surprising huh? I shy away from the kitchen for those reasons.
I've been couped up in my room save when a friend takes pity on me and rescues me for a few hours. Ok I'm officially ranting now. I need food and sleep. Unfortunately I can't sleep unless I'm not hungry. The constant growls and pangs of a shrinling stomach are not to be ignored. Not to mention the fact that without food I can't take my meds so I can barely move.
{oh yeah I'm ranting}
My mom took pity and brought me some Captain Crunch and a few vanilla pudding cups. Yeah I can live off that. Beau did better. We were watching the Godfather movies and he set a plate of chicken strips and pork chops in my lap. How thoughtful. I was hunger free and asleep withen 10 minutes.
I can't sleep it's driving me nuts. I haven't been getting to bed till almost 4 a.m. over the last week. Alas for that is right when Jennifer gets up and her god awful alarm starts blaring. I don't get to sleep till about
7 a.m. b/c as soon as she leaves at 5 her son Asa gets up for school.He leaves around 7-7:30. They are loud and bothersome so I can't sleep with them around. But I owe them dearly for taking me in. It sucks having no where to go. I hate bumming of people. The fact that I'm having to stay with someone and I'm not paying rent is driving me nuts. Yet I can't get a job. Ever place that I've applied for has turned me down. No one wants me. The see that DD214 come out and say I have an injury and they want nothing to do with me.I applied at a family friend's store. He visibly blanched when I showed him that damned paper. Stupid fucking people. God Damn snow cone shop won't even take me!
OK I've got most of that off my chest and I'm sure you're all tired of my ravings so I'll go read or something. Hope to hear from someone soon.
{ hint, hint: Comment motherfuckers!}
Love you all,
Kandis |
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| We the people of Saturn, declare war! |
[Mar. 30th, 2006|12:32 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  I don't know wtf to do. | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "Matsushima-Ondo" by Yo-Yo-Ma | ] |
Hmmm. Well I've been out of Beau's house for a whole month and a half. And I've accomplished nothing. I'm still bored as hell. I'm just stuck here. Most of my friends live else where. I'm surprised that no one has commented at all on my journal. I bet if I popped up saying that I took Beau back I'd get a ton of comments. Nothing but critics.
Well Mike was kind enough to offer to teach me how to drive. Actually he kinda sprang it on me. We were in the mall parking lot a few days ago and he just parked got out and told me to drive. I was shocked. I was so nervous. I mean come on this is Mike, automobile obsessed Mike, telling me to move over and drive his 2005 Mustang. WTF is wrong with him? Has he gone nuts? I'm 19 and have no license. I'm an inexperienced driver and he wants me behind the wheel of his car while he rides along in the passenger seat. Yeah....I was nervous and kinda freaking out.
After I adjusted the seat and got started though it was alright. Mike kept talking to me and he kept me from getting too scared. I finally settled down and had fun. He said I drive like I'm old though. Lol I was going like 15-20 the whole time. I was so afraid I would damage his car. He only laughed and said that I was just insulting it by not taking advantage of it's speed. It was funny when we switched back b/c the seat was so high and so close to the steering wheel that Mike's knees where up in his chest and the back of his neck was touching the ceiling of the cab. He just laughed and put the seat back. I had a good time after I calmed down. Maybe there is hope for me as a driver.
I still have nothing to do. Maybe I should work on my story. I haven't touched it in almost 2 months.I have like 4 pages written. I started and then just dropped it. How sad. That's kinda pathetic of me. Every bit of it that I've posted on here is about all of it that I've written. I keep coming up with all these different things but I never write them down.
Hmm yesterday I had a fucked up dream. I can remember almost all of it. It was extremely vivid. I can remember the textures and smells of some of my surroundings in it. Lmao I can even remember the taste of this weird bread I ate in my dream. It looked like toast but when I bit into it it had slimey squash slices in the middle. It was like a pocket. There was another that had pumpkin instead of squash. The whole place was kinda futuristic and yet melded with my current surroundings. I remember with extreme detail some of the pictures that were on the walls. I could probably describe the whole thing. I realized it was a dream when I was in a car and Beau just picked it up. I just sort of shrugged and thought to myself,"yeah this is a dream." So I went with it. I think b/c I knew it was a dream and I was just observing and letting it happen around me I'm able to remember so much. Lmao right after the whole car thing I turned around to see Mike and Beau kiss and then disappear. I was like, "wtf was that about?" I didn't see them again for the rest of my dream.
Ok I've rambled on enough. I could lay down another 5 paragraphs about my dream but I'm sure you guys don't wanna here about all that. It's rather strange. I believe I shall right it somewhere else in all it's detailed glory and then file it away for future reference. Anyways I'm out. Cya.
Love you all,
Kandis |
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